and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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