I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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