My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
