I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
