she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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