I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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