I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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