You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
