On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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