I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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