OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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