when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
