worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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