please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
