I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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