We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
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