if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
