the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
