This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
