Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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