the condom got lost in my hair
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
