cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
