Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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