i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
