I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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