I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
