1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
