Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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