I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
