do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
