I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
