What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I've blown a few things in my day
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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