I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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