I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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