I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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