I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
how drunk are you?
Several
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
