Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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