I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
