Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
