There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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