Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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