What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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