i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
