Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
