I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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