No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
