i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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