but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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