I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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