If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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